The article is your palette with which you fill the gray everyday life with the bright colors of wit and humor. In it are collected a hundred unique phrases – linguistic diamonds that can transform everyday situations into moments of laughter and joy. Divided into five thematic areas, the article offers you a collection of bon mots, jokes, and amusing observations.
Table of Contents
Sayings and Jokes about Life
Phrases that bring a smile to your face even on Monday mornings. They turn your daily planner into a comedy sketchbook where every task is a reason to laugh.
It's okay that life passes by, let it pass peacefully. But why does it pull us along with it?
Life has taught me two important lessons. I have already forgotten the first, and the second: Everything must be written down!
Imagine how great it would be if spam entered the real world. The doorbell rings: "Mail." You open it – and there are no letters, but call girls!
– Is it true that a tattoo stays forever?
– No, a little longer.
An inexperienced electrician mixed up the phases at work. At first, he was very tense about it, but then he could relax.
The woman explained the concept of a boycott to her husband and lived abstemiously for a month. The man continued to live...
Life is a theater where no one knows the script, but everyone wants to be prompters.
In life, it's like this: Those who get up early regret going to bed late.
– Oh, you only turn eighteen once in your life!
– Oh, and eighty-one even rarer!
– Why are you always cheerful and never downcast?
– Today is bad, tomorrow life will be even worse, so I'm happy that today is not as bad as tomorrow! While scientists search for signs of intelligent life on other planets, we are losing the signs of it on our own.
Tipping a doctor – bribery; tipping a waiter – good etiquette.
One saves lives, the other brings coffee.
– What's the difference between a fairy and a witch?
– A year of marriage.
– Daddy, can I give you a kiss?
– No money! Mom already kissed me.
– What will you do if you see a green man?
60% answered: "I'll stop drinking!"
30%: "I'll start drinking!"
9%: "I'll go to a psychiatrist!"
And only one girl said: "I'll start crossing the street!"
We also have a collection of 150 great black humor jokes for you!
Here is an example: "What is a reverse exorcism? That's when the devil asks the priest to come out of the boy."
Sayings and Jokes about Women
Sassy sayings and jokes for true ladies. They add humor to shopping, makeup, and even the fight against deadlines. With them, you'll feel like the queen of comedy.
I'm not late, I just enter the room when everyone is ready to see me.
My perfect morning makeup? When I wake up, look in the mirror, and decide that sleep suits me!
If I don't like something, then it's simply not meant for me.
Like every woman, of course, I want a new dress. But even more, I want to fit into the old one.
When a woman is holding a rolling pin, it doesn't necessarily mean there's cake!
My cosmetics are not a mask, they are my armor.
Nobody is perfect, but my nails are pretty close.
A woman can do anything. All she needs is a good plan and a bit of lipstick.
I cleaned up at home... Before, everything was in its place, and now it's neatly stored somewhere where I can't find it...
All problems have a beginning... There was a woman... Bored...
The secret of a long female friendship? Different tastes in men and the same taste in wine.
What could be more beautiful than your wife? Her friend.
I was ready for everything, but no one suggested anything.
Women like determined men and can't stand pushy ones. The difference is subtle, the result opposite.
– Is it true that all wars on Earth have arisen because of women?
– Of course. They gave birth to idiots!
– Can women keep secrets?
– Of course, in small groups of 20-30 people!
Two girlfriends meet:
– Darling, you've gained weight!
– And that's despite me losing weight! You haven't seen me in a month! Back then, I looked like you do now!
– I'm on such a diet that even in my imagination calories are counted!
Do you like Chuck Norris jokes?
- Chuck Norris runs 100 meters in one second. He knows a shortcut
- Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. Death just hasn't had the courage to tell him yet
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice
- Chuck Norris can sort black markers by color
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Sayings and jokes about men
It is said that men are also masters of self-irony. These jokes are like a toolbox for brightening the mood. With them, every mundane task becomes a comedic adventure.
I bought myself a smart home device to help me. Now I have two women in the house who ignore my requests.
Every time I say I'll do it tomorrow, God laughs.
I look like a moose on the outside, but on the inside, I'm a butterfly.
I'd love to invite you for a drink, but I'm afraid you'll say yes.
As soon as I start working, someone is bound to wake me up.
I have many ideas! The problem is that most of them are complete nonsense.
Don't try to form words into sentences – that's not your thing.
When I say I didn't take it, then I won't give it back!
I have a perfect body... for Photoshop!
Sayings and Jokes About Children
They remind us that in their laughter lies all the wisdom of the world. Your words become fairy tales that will remain in memory for a lifetime.
I'm not a troublemaker, I'm just exploring the limits of what's allowed.
If games on the tablet were a subject in school, I would be at the top of the class.
Homework is like magic: it disappears when parents aren't looking.
My favorite sport is playing catch with Dad when he's trying to put me to bed.
I can turn any room into a sea of toys in just five minutes.
If candy were a currency, I'd be a billionaire.
Sleep is for the weak. I'm ready to play 24/7!
I don't lose things, I just hide them so well that even I can't find them.
My dad says I'm his mini-clone. I hope that's a compliment.
My dog is my best friend. He never tells my parents what I've done.
School is the place where I learn to imitate adults while keeping my eyes open.
Mom says I should behave like an adult. But she laughs when I hide her phone.
Sayings and Jokes About Pets
They show that valuable lessons for people lie in the loyalty of pets. Your words become collars with golden inscriptions.
I have two lives: one before my pet and one with it. Let's just say the second one is more interesting and louder.
My cat believes that she's the owner of the house and I'm just her service staff.
Dogs remember faces, cats remember places.
Dogs teach us loyalty, cats how to ignore everything.
My dog has three modes: sleep, eat, and destroy.
Having a cat is like taking a lifelong course in patience and fur removal.
My cat thinks he is the king of the house. And I am his loyal servant.
My cat usually doesn't mind me sleeping in my bed. But only at the very edge.
– Your dog stole my shoes!
– You're crazy! My dog has never come home with shoes.
My life with a pet means endless games and a lot of fur on clothing.
Cats know the secret of happiness: sleep, eat, and repeat.
Dogs teach us loyalty, cats independence.
The spider in my house spins its web faster than I make my weekend plans.
My life with a cat is a constant battle for space on the sofa.
Pets make our home full of joy and unexpected surprises.
Puss in Boots is a fairy tale. But the cat in the slippers is reality. A cruel, smelly reality.
We hope that these sayings and jokes have warmed your heart and brought a smile to your face. Pets enrich our lives in so many ways, whether through their funny escapades or their unconditional love and loyalty. Their quirks and eccentricities make them unique companions who brighten and liven up our daily lives. These humorous observations remind us to appreciate the little moments and look at life with a twinkle in our eyes. Whether you are a dog lover or a cat friend, one thing is certain: with a pet by your side, life will never be boring. Share these sayings with other animal lovers and spread the joy that our furry friends bring into our lives.